It’s like everything around me was liquid. I live in fear and doubt of all things. I need to think about it as an opportunity to make it all mine. I need to convince myself. If not, these moments will last, where life and death seem to stand at the same place, where either of them doesn’t matter, where nothing matters. It happens during a fraction of a second, suddently everything seems clear ; a light. There is no hope of understanding. Only the hours, that seems to get me furtherer and furtherer from myself.
I don't exactly know why but lately i've been feeling really inspired. I've been watching this reality show about artists competing to win money and the chance to show their work in a gallery and i don't know it got me thinking about stuff. Lately I've been moving a lot from Montreal and St-Lazare and it's kind of annoying because i don't feel like i really have a home (it's been like that for a while-at one point traveling from my apartment to my best friend's apartment to my parent's place and back to Montreal), but i'm kind of getting more and more cozy here at my dad's place spending time alone. Since I'm doing my studies at my rythm i find it easier to take the time to do the stuff i used to like and have been wanting to do for a while. I read a lot, and i've been painting and i want to get back to playing guitar and writing and collecting stamps. I feel like I'm getting stuff a bit cleared up in my head and it's easier to paint a portrait of the way i feel and why i feel and the questions i have and seperate what is the result of fear from what is the result of who i am and what is the result of the stuff around me. I'm getting more and more accepting of what i am not sure of. I always find it difficult to accept what i don't know and what doesn't make sense to me. I've noticed that only lately. I don't seem to be able to accept reality for what it is. I change it, I deny it, but never can i just accept it with all that i don't understand of it and all that i do understand. I feel like I'm constantly trying to learn fast but in bad ways, and only because i fear that i am less than what people expect me to be. I think from now on i will get better at accepting.
I wonder if me being better is related to you not being here.
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